The Pain behind the Tears

I was not able to register the words that came out of my mothers’ mouth that day. I continued to ask her over and over “Ryan? My Ryan? My brother Ryan?” and every time the answer was the same, a tearful, and sobbing answer “Yes my girl”. The answers were barely escaping her lips. As I sat on my living room couch in a blank stair I could feel my face getting warmer with uncontrollable tears flowing, I looked at my son. He was playing happily unaware that anything tragic had happened in life. I wondered how I would tell him when he grew up. What would be the story? How would I explain it?
My boyfriend Marc walked in the door stopping as he saw what he walked in on. No really knowing but not wanting to ask, scared to know what the answer was. I didn’t have anything to say to him because it wasn’t true yet, the reality of it had not settled in. Unable to grasp it, I grabbed my phone and called my brother. After what felt like forever of ringing I got the answering machine and for the last time in my life I heard Ryan’s voice. I remember the words exactly “Hey you’ve reached Ryan, leave me a message” Still in shock I ran to my computer pulled up facebook to see message after message of R.I.P Ryan. It hit me. Instantly there was a knife stabbing me in the heart, my stomach was empty like someone had punched a hole through it.
For the days following I lay in bed, almost a week. I wasn’t able to sleep or eat or function except the hourly visit I got from son to feed him. But even that was emotionless. I was unable to bond with him. People came in and out of my room offering endless advice on loss and death. Everyone always making sure to ask if there was anything I needed. What I needed was my brother, my best friend.
The following Saturday was the 8th of September 2009. I pealed myself out of bed, had a shower for the first time and dressed myself in black, knowing it was time to come face to face with his death.

I walked into church to see hundreds of eyes staring back at me. All with sad eyes, they all had one thought. After a 30 minute slideshow of my brothers short life and a few never ending stories by friends, it was over. His life was over. I walked out with streaming tears to see Donna, Ryan’s mother waiting for me. She wrapped her arms around me which made the tears roll even faster and harder as whispered in my ear “Ryan loved you more then you’ll ever know”. She handed me a tiny urn, which held Ryan’s ashes. I couldn’t get any words out to thank her, I drew a blank. All I couldn’t think about was me, standing there hold my brother in my hands. This day felt like as every moment passed there was that stabbing knife twisting a little more. The pain was getting worse and worse. That was it, I couldn’t take anymore I had to leave. I didn’t want another hug or to hear “I’m so sorry for your loss” again.
On July 28th, 2009 my brother Ryan Patrick Hunter at the young age of 24 took his own life. This event has by far changed my life more than any other. I will never have the answer to why he decided to take his life or why he thought he couldn’t come to me for help. But one thing I do know is that he loved me very much.

From the Beggining....

Well hello, I guess i'll start by introducing myself, my name is Sheldean Lawrence. Yes that's it, my full name from start to finish no middle names with special meanings just a first and last. Although my first name is a mix of my parents Shelley and Dean. Which I guess does have some special values. My main interest and the most important part of life is my son, Paxton Adam Joseph Young, born November 17, 2008. He got stuck with two middle names, lucky little man.

There are many things in life that I value but my family and health are my top priorities. I Love to spend time with my Son and amazing Boyfriend doing everything and anything that keeps us together. My other love for life is Photography but that is a whole blog post alone. I also love cooking, reading, and HOT YOGA which is what keeps me grounded from day to day. I'm a very spiritual person and don't really have a set belief or religion that I follow but I do keep some constant in my life with going to church every second Sunday. My biggest pet peeve is smoking, and I hate being disorganized. I'm daily a very happy person and just enjoy life whenever possible and everything it has to offer.

My main daily activity is my son. I love taking him to wee swim classes, sign language classes, and endless playdates with my ever growing family. I think it's important to keep him busy and teach him new things. But, don't get me wrong we enjoy our down time, there are somedays we don't leave the house. As I mentioned before Hot yoga is my calling. It is the one thing I make sure I include in my weekly activity that is maninly just for me. It is not just about physically pushing myself but about peace, meditation and how calm my mind becomes. Now Marc Andrew Elder Young, my boyfriend, best friend, and my rock. Also known as daddy.

My life started when I met Marc Young. I was a 12 years old underdeveloped kinda nerdy kinda cute little girl and he was the shortest most loud mouthed boy i'd ever met. I was new to school and he wouldn't let me forget it. We starting with a 3 month middle school relationship after I chased him for six and that resulted in my first kiss. Once we got to high school and well lets say I developed and he maintained his shortness he was now chasing me. We dated shortly, he dumped me and then moved away to Texas for 5 years. In July of 2007 Marc Young showed up at my door 6 feet tall, with his charming blue eyes and I instantly fell in love. 7 Months later after an eventful road trip to Texas I was pregnant and Three years later we have a beautiful little boy and still eachother.